


In My Darkest Hour, You Were My Light.

by TinnieMummy



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Lots of Touching, Over coming addiction, minimal angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-10
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-06 23:41:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3152660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinnieMummy/pseuds/TinnieMummy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cassandra asks Eve for help when Cullen struggles to overcome his Lyrium addiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In My Darkest Hour, You Were My Light.

Eve was walking through the soldiers barracks with a spring in her step. It had been a week since she and Cullen kissed for the first time, a week since they decided to start seeing each other although they agreed to keep their relationship as private as possible. In a few days they were leaving for Val Royeaux and Eve was enjoying the peace while it lasted. Eve was just leaving the barracks when she overheard a group of soldiers talking, normally Eve didn’t eavesdrop but something they said had Eve a little concerned.

“...went in to deliver his reports on the Armoury updates, he was just muttering to himself looking at that box he keeps on his desk.” said one.

“Eric went to move it to make some room for the reports on something else and the Commander started shouting at him, poor Eric shit his pants.” said another.

“Look all of you, yes the Commander has had his moments but he treats us well. If Seeker Pentaghast heard you talking like this, Commander Cullen’s anger is nothing compared to hers. Did you hear her almost kill Varric?” Eve recognised the last voice. His name was Heath if she remembered correctly. Although she was tempted to go and butt in, Eve knew it would only spark off more rumours and personally she had had enough of them.

Eve decided she’d go and see what Cassandra had to say before she spoke to Cullen. He wouldn’t like it, but she had no idea how to broach the subject at all. She had no doubt Cullen was dedicated to his work, but it just seemed out of character.

She made her way over to the training dummies, but Cassandra wasn’t there. Eve decided to make her way to The Forge to see if she was there. As she got closer she could hear raised voices.

Cullen rubbed his forehead, his head was still fuzzy and sore. He just couldn’t understand why Cassandra wasn’t listening to him. Cassandra could see he was struggling but she would not let him give up now, he had come so far already. She stood there with her arms folded, she was not going to give up on him now.

“You asked for my opinion and I’ve given it. Why would you expect it to change?”

He could barely focus on Cassandra and started swaying slightly. “I expect you to keep your word, it’s relentless, I can’t...” He brought his hand to cover his face as his vision started swimming again.

“You give yourself too little credit.” said Cassandra soothingly.

“If I am unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this. Would you rather save face then admit...”

The handle turned in the door and Cullen and Cassandra both swung their heads to see who was coming in. Cullen’s stomach dropped when he saw Eve walking through the door, looking at both of them. Concern written all over her face. Cullen couldn’t bare to let her see him like this and walked out. Eve was just about to ask if he was okay, when he paused and whispered “Forgive me.” and carried on walking out of the forge. Eve was stunned and watched him walk out. On the other hand Cassandra rolled her eyes and shook her head as Cullen slammed the door.

“And people say I’m stubborn, this is ridiculous. Has Cullen told you he has stopped taking Lyrium?”

Eve swung her head to look at Cassandra shocked, dread filling the pit of her stomach. “He stopped? Won’t it kill him? Why couldn’t he come to me about this?”

Cassandra shook her head and looked at the fire in the nearby fireplace. “He stopped taking it when he joined the Inquisition months ago. He asked me to watch him because as a Seeker I could evaluate the dangers, and he wouldn’t want to...risk your disappointment. He was here to ask me to find a suitable replacement for him, but it’s not necessary, besides it would destroy him. He’s come so far.”

Eve shook her head, trying to understand. “I can’t understand why he would keep this from me? Is there anything we can do to change his mind?”

Cassandra studied Eve. “If anyone could it’s you. Mages have always made their suffering known, Templars never have. They are bound to the Order, mind and soul, with someone always holding their lyrium leash. Cullen has a chance to break that leash. To prove himself - and anyone who would follow suit - that it is possible. He can do this. I knew that when we met in Kirkwall. Talk to him, decide if now is the time.” Cassandra walked off leaving Eve to her thoughts. She was sure Eve had Cullen’s best interests at heart, and she meant what she said. Cullen had spoken to her about his feelings for her and she knew if anyone could convince him he was doing the right thing, Eve could.

Eve stared into the fire thinking on what Cassandra had said. If Cullen had been without lyrium for months, she couldn’t find it within her heart to get him to start taking it again. She straightened up and set out to find him. Her gut told her that she would find him in his office so she set off to look for him there first.

Cullen stormed out of the Forge and made his way to the Battlements to try and clear his head. But with Soldiers patrolling them made it difficult for him to get his thoughts together. He never wanted to burden Eve with his problem and now he feared he had scared her. The flash backs were getting worse every night. There seemed to be no end to them. 

It made him angry, so he decided to walk out his frustrations. But he was so lost in thoughts he didn’t realise he had gone back to his office and was looking at the box on his desk. It contained a shot of lyrium, the one he refused to take months ago, and still hadn’t. He had a death grip on the desk to stop himself from reaching and taking it. The need to was becoming increasingly strong of late and it was becoming harder to resist. His thoughts then turned to the events that happened in Kirkwall, he could still hear the screams, the smell of the smoke, he picks up the box and throws it across the room with a frustrated yell, only realising too late that Eve was walking through the door and it just missed her.

“Makers Breath! I didn’t hear you enter, I...” Now he felt angry with himself for loosing control like he did. “Forgive me.”

“Cullen, if you need to talk...” Said Eve sympathetically.

“You don’t have to...” he couldn’t finish, he had to grab the desk quickly groaning as his stomach felt as if it was on fire. Eve rushed to help him but he waved her off. “I never meant for this to interfere.” 

Eve was worried for him. “Are you going to be okay?” 

Cullen took a few deep breaths as he rode out another wave of pain. “Yes...I don’t know.” He hated feeling like this and he knew he owed her an explanation He straightened up, although still swaying slightly. “You asked what happened in Ferelden’s Circle. It was taken over by abominations. The Templars - my friends- were slaughtered.”

Eve just stood there, she had never seen him like this and she had no idea what to do or even what to say, she thought it would be best to let him talk. Cullen seemed to have regained some of his balance and stumbled to the window. He leant on the pillar looking out of the window. Eve still stood there silent.

“I was tortured. They tried to break my mind, and I - How can you be the same person after that? Still, I want to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my Knight-Commander, and for what? Her fear of Mages ended in madness. Kirkwall’s Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can’t you see why I want nothing to do with that life?” 

Eve was a mix of emotions but all she wanted to do was hold him. “Of course I can, I-”

Cullen whipped round, he didn’t want Eve to feel sorry for him, “Don’t! You should be questioning what I’ve done.” Even as the words left his mouth Cullen regretted them and grabbed the bridge of his nose, his head was pounding. Eve put her hands on her hips and shook her head. How could she question him about what he had done?

He started furiously pacing the room now, the compulsion to take it was even stronger. He just wanted it all to stop, the pain, the flashbacks, everything. “I thought this would be better - that I would regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won’t leave me...” He growled out. He then sounded as if he wasn’t talking to Eve but arguing with himself.

“How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause...I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did the Chantry. I should be taking it!” Cullen stopped pacing suddenly, and turned to punch the bookcase. Eve decided she had to talk him down before he did something he would regret later.

Cullen however sounded as if he had had enough fighting and said feebly “I should be taking it.”

Eve went and stood in front of him and said to him calmly “This doesn’t have to be about the Inquisition. Is this what you want?”

He then really looked at her, huffed sharply and let his fist drop to his side “No. But...these memories have always haunted me - if they become worse, if I can not endure this...”

Eve raised a hand a cupped his cheek. “You can... we can”

Cullen smiled slightly. “All right.” Eve smiled too. “Come on, your work can wait I think you’ve earned a day off.”

Cullen looked at her. “Is that an order, Inquisitor?” Eve grinned at him. “If it would make you feel better, than yes, now come on you need to lie down.”

He hung his head a little. “I am tired.” She put her hand under his chin, “Come on you’ll be more comfortable in my rooms, plus I don’t think I’ll be able to help you up that ladder.” 

She got hold of his arm and put it over her shoulders, he was wary about crushing her but he was feeling rather wobbly and put a bit more weight than he wanted to on her. It was slow and it felt like they had walked miles but as they got to her rooms Cullen was finding it difficult to stay awake. Eve managed to get him to the bed before he passed out. 

While he was asleep, Eve managed to strip him down to his underclothes and got the covers over him. Luckily she always had a tray of food here so at least she could coax him into eating something when he woke up, but for now she just sat on the bed watching him. It wasn’t long before he started thrashing about, so she went to the bathroom and got a basin of cool water and a couple of rags. She wasn’t gone long, but Cullen was already sweating so Eve placed the rag in the water, wrung it out and placed it gently on his head. She got another one to dab on his face, it seemed to soothe him as he calmed down gradually.

Cassandra had seen Eve practically carry Cullen back to her rooms. For now she would leave them in peace and check on them tomorrow.

He started to stir early evening, Eve just smiled and got up to pour him a glass of water. Cullen just looked around and tried to remember how he got here. Eve came back and helped him sit up, then handed him the glass.  
Eve studied him carefully. “How are you feeling?” He breathed out slowly, “I...yes”

“Is it always that bad?” She said concerned as she reached for his hand with hers and held it.

He took a deep breath. “The pain comes and goes. Sometimes I feel as if I’m back there. I should not have pushed myself so far.” He looked away, remembering.

“I’m just glad your alright.” Eve said soothingly rubbing his hand absently with her thumb.

He looked down at their joined hands and smiled. “I am.” He took his free hand and placed it on their clasped ones. “I’ve never told anyone what truly happened at Ferelden’s Circle. I was...not myself after that. I was angry. For years that anger blinded me. I’m not proud of the man that made me. And when I saw Mages...Now I can put some distance between myself and everything that happened. It’s a start.”

Eve bent forward and rested her forehead on his. “For what it’s worth, I like who you are now.”

He looked at her with a hopeful expression. “Even after...”

Eve took back her hands and replaced them on either side of his cheeks. “Cullen, I care about you. You’ve done nothing to change that.”

Cullen pulled her hands away and gently moved her into the bed, pulled the covers over them both and spooned her back. They were both so content, they quickly went back off to sleep.

The Sun had barely crept over the mountains and Cullen put his arm out and realised Eve was no longer in bed. He sat up looking around to see if he could see her, and found her standing on the balcony with a shawl wrapped round her shoulders, watching the sunrise. He climbed out of bed slowly, to give his legs a chance to adjust, and went over to her. “Eve? What are you doing out here, you’ll catch cold.” 

Eve didn’t look round just sniffed slightly. “Sorry, did I wake you? I just needed some air for a minute and then I remembered the first time I saw the sunrise on these mountains and I wanted to see it again.”

Cullen ran a hand down her back and leant on the balcony so he could see her face. He was shocked when he saw she had been crying. “Eve?! Why have you been crying?”. Eve huffed slightly and looked down at the rail. “It’s silly really, since our escape from Haven, sometimes - well most nights - I get nightmares about it. Being stuck in the Underground Mine, the walk to catch up with you, Corypheus and the Dragon. Even the Red Templars. I’ll be fine, watching the sunrise has been a real comfort for me.”

Suddenly it clicked, “The first time you saw the sunrise was in that alcove, wasn’t it?” Eve nodded. Cullen kissed her forehead “You took care of me, now I’m going to take care of you, wait here...” Eve watched him walk back into her room and drag out a large chair. He then came over picked her up in his arms and sat down in the chair with her settled in his lap. Eve buried her head into his neck and sighed contently.

After he was sure she had settled down a bit he was curious to find out how she actually felt about the Inquisition. “So with everything going on, how are you holding up?”

Eve sat up and looked up to the sky then back to Cullen. “Honestly, I’m terrified. So many people depend on us. On me. Corypheus is still out there.”

Cullen pulled her back to him and tightened his arms to offer her some comfort. “We’ve made great strides. Do not doubt yourself - or the Inquisition - just yet. If there’s anything I can do, you have only to ask.”

Eve looked up at his face. “On one condition...” He smiled, “Setting terms already?” Eve laughed and hit him lightly on his arm. “Cheek, I’ll promise I’ll come to you, if you can promise me the same.” Cullen laughed back. “Alright, I can agree to that.”

Eve smiled and they both sighed in content watching the sunrise. Eve secretly hoped this wouldn’t be the last time they did this. She had never felt happier in her life, and she was pretty sure Cullen felt the same.


End file.
